Ever thought of who would play your characters in the film adaptation of your novel? Yeah, me too. So I did it and had way more fun than is probably legal.

You can read my Query Letter to get an idea of what my book’s about.

Johann Kinsky
Age: 20
Profession: Piano Teacher
Appearance: Tall, lean, dark hair, pale skin, sad or annoyed expression
Celebrity casting: Harry Lloyd

AKA, Viserys Targaryen, that asshole who deserved to die by having gold poured down his throat. But in my case, he’s perfect to play Johann, because he kind of has a Pity-Me-Emo face and can easily pass for a malnourished pianist (read: Chopin).

Barbora Vidmar
Age: 19
Profession: B.G.C. (Badass Genius Composer)
Appearance: Short, auburn hair, curvy, freckly, hazel eyes
Celebrity casting: Jennifer Stone

Though Jennifer Stone is known for her Disney Channel innocence, I believe she can pump up the badass factor. Not only does she have snappy dark eyes that gush witty intelligence, but THOSE CHEEK DIMPLES. She looks like she could beat Beethoven over the head with a violin bow, which is exactly what Barbora would do if she ever met the unlucky fellow.

Signore Duilio Guerra
Age: 47
Profession: Director of the Royal Theater of the Estates
Appearance: Olive skin, grey hair, robust figure, expressive hands & face
Celebrity casting: Christoph Waltz

Let’s just face it: Christoph Waltz is a damn good actor. He’s fluent in several languages and as we saw in Inglorious Basterds he can kill with just a look. Signore Guerra is that kind of man: friendly yet intimidating, warm yet sinister. Here’s to hoping Christoph can pull off an Italian accent (duh of course he can he’s Christoph freakin’ Waltz).

Signora Isabella Guerra
Age: 38
Profession: Patroness
Appearance: Olive skin, brown hair, spectacles, anxious mannerisms
Celebrity casting: Jane Adams

Imagine Jane Adams covered in sleek furs, silk flowers, and damask skirts. Then pepper on some social anxiety, incessant chattering, and nerdy sexual appeal. You’ll get Isabella Guerra, Johann’s Italian patroness and (dare I say it?) lover, and the metaphorical trebuchet of the story’s plot.

Herr Gottlieb Schwarz
Age: 60
Profession: Assistant Director of the Royal Theater
Appearance: Chubby, sniveling, beady eyes, fake smile
Celebrity Casting: Timothy Spall

I modeled Herr Schwarz after Timothy Spall’s rendition of Scabbers in Harry Potter. That pinched-up face spells trouble and those clawing hands mean business. Though Herr Schwarz is subservient to Guerra, he takes the punches resentfully and keeps a mental diary on how much he’s been verbally abused so he can one day throw it in Guerra’s face.

Klara Tesarik
Age: 18
Profession: Piano student and Painter
Appearance: Blonde, blonde, wispy, willowy, angelic, blonde
Celebrity casting: Elle Fanning

Klara embodies a soul-withering suppression of passion and lust, which women in those days couldn’t act on for fear of tainting their virginal statuses. Luckily Klara don’t give a shit. She acts on her impulses and takes what she needs (Johann’s one of her many targets). Klara shows that angelic natures can initiate their own fantasies instead of just being the objects of others’ fantasies.

Frantisek Kinsky
Age: 10
Profession: Victim of child labor and Johann’s little brother
Appearance: Reddish curly hair, mischievous smile, lanky limbs
Celebrity casting: Carter Hastings

Dat smirk, tho. Carter is a great fit for Frantisek, or Franta as he’s better known, a wily little brother who sticks to Johann like glue and irritates him to no end. But there’s a vulnerability in Franta, too, a need to be included and mentored. Too bad Johann’s too busy being a narcissistic douchebag to care.

The Place Where the Shit Goes Down
Age: 220+ years
Appearance: Boxy, green, columned, Roman influences
Celebrity Casting: The actual Royal Theater of the Estates

Mozart conducted Don Giovanni here in 1787 at its premiere. This place is old, famous, and was the first theater in Prague. It was a place of public congregation and high-society mimsy-whimsy. Guerra not only uses the theater as a receptacle for his mighty orchestra, but a meeting house for his secret faction of political dissidents. Add some horse-drawn carriages and remove some tourists and voila! There it is.

Seriously, this was too fun. Someone shackle me.